Moments

What Demanded to Be Felt

For the past few weeks, pain and heartaches demanded themselves to be felt. Family stuff. Sickness. Insecurities. Conflicts. Arguments. Resurfacing ghosts. And a lot more. When they came, they poured. And when life started the downpour, it chose to stay for long. When it rained on me, it definitely poured.

I always know myself to be the person with a high tolerance to pain — both the physical and emotional kind. Life and circumstances trained me well. But when I thought that I was so used to such heartaches, I was wrong. I had a break down. 

Pain, no matter the weight or the intensity, is still pain. Sometimes, people will see our pain as petty, ‘first-world problems,’ etc. and make us question ourselves. Why? They won’t always see past the facade and see through the histories and backstories. But I learned that one way to deal with pain is to acknowledge it. Only then can we determine how to deal and overcome it.

Whatever form pain pours into our lives, it always and will always demand itself to be felt. But, it doesn’t and shouldn’t end there. 

Will I let myself soak in the pain? Will I let it devour my hopes and the promises I believe in? Will I choose to be forever miserable over pain that is only fleeting? Will I let it handicap and chain me? Will I let it devour me or will I surrender it all to God?

Often times, when the doors are closed and I’m all by myself, I cry. I pour my heart out to the One who listens, understands, and knows the words I even fail to utter — Someone who knows pain because He has experienced worst. And little by little, I’ll feel relieved not because He has taken away my pain and heartaches; it’s because I am reminded yet again of His promises and of the bigger picture ahead of me.

It’s quite cliche and confusing yet timely that on those days and nights that my heart feels truly broken, His Word reminds me this:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” – Romans 8:28

I know that I’m no perfect and consistent lover in this relationship I have with God, but I also know that all things — both the good and the not-so-good ones — that are happening in my life all contribute to the bigger picture He has planned ahead for me. 

At times, I even let out a plethora of why’s. And then, I will be reminded that most often God won’t change my circumstances because He is more concerned in changing and transforming me to be a better version of myself. 

I won’t always figure out the answers to my why’s but He will still be God. It is and will never be easy, but now I know that I’m not alone. Never. 

Though I fail to see the good in the bad at times, He never fails to remind me of His sovereignty. The things that happened for the past few weeks (my birthday week included) may not all be good, but He still is good. He is and He will always be.

So dear self, I hope you choose well. I pray you choose to hope — not on the good and sunny finish line but on God Himself, your greatest reward, the One who never left you since you first decided to let Him run with you. 

So dear heart, take heart. When pain that comes from circumstances out of your control demands itself to be felt, remember that all things work together for your ultimate good. 

Cry if you may but don’t let youself drown in your miseries. Choose your battles well. ❤

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